"Every Game, Without Exception, is Better With Pandas."
by Lisa Foiles

I’ve recently discovered that DS games featuring panda bears are FAR superior to those that do not feature pandas. For example, National Geographic’s “giga pet” game about taking care of pandas is naturally better than, say, Call of Duty 4 on the DS. I haven’t played the DS version of COD 4, so I realize I’m referring to a game I haven’t played, but as is usually the case when I refer to games I haven’t played, I don’t care.

Bejeweled is a very simple, fun, time-wasting game that involves lining up blocks, or jewels, of three or more in order to erase them and allow more blocks, or jewels, to fall so you can repeat the ordeal. DS games imitate this gameplay on a regular basis, with the best example being that galactic train wreck Puzzle Quest that Joel LOVES SO BLOODY MUCH. While Puzzle Quest is more of an RPG involving “thinking” and “strategery,” Zoo Keeper is fun, brightly colored, has PANDAS, and makes you feel really bad about yourself for losing.

In the historic zoo on the outskirts of town, all the animals got SUPER P-O’d at their balding jerkwad of a curator for unknown reasons. Possibly a union thing. So, naturally, they started a riot. It’s YOUR job as the zoo keeper to taser their asses back into obedience. So, kind of like the ’92 LA Riots, only cuter.

You do this in one of five gameplay modes, with “Zoo Keeper,” “Tokoton,” and “Time Attack” all being virtually the same. You play the game as you would Bejeweled while trying to capture an equal amount of each animal in order to level up. The animal you choose to capture last will be visibly grumpy, but you won’t feel THAT bad…unless it’s the pandas. Nothing says “FAIL” like grumpy panda faces.

Speaking of fail, in “Quest” mode, the curator gives you a 10-stage ability test. You *may* have to think in this mode. Sucks, I know. The best part of this quest is the smack talk that the curator spouts when you do a poor job. It’s not clever, it’s not original, it’s more like, “You are a failure,” and “Why do I pay you?” and “You are an embarrassment.” Which, amazingly enough, are the same things Joel says to Drew when they work at GameStop! HA HA.

The next game that you wouldn’t know features pandas, but actually does, is National Geographic: Panda. Remember giga pets? Remember our love and devotion to those digital creatures? Remember attaching them to one of those stretchy, spiral, elastic bright purple bands and wearing them around your neck and crying when it died because you forgot to feed it because you were at dance class and your mom kept saying some crap about ‘you can’t tap dance with that thing around your neck’ so you forever held her responsible for the death of your best friend, Captain Whiskers?? ...Me neither.

National Geographic: Panda is essentially the newest generation of giga pet. A panda finds you. You don’t beat the panda right off the bat, so the panda likes you. You become responsible for feeding, bathing, and petting your panda. Your panda will lie around on its lazy ass a lot and do nothing. Try to keep it away from the unemployment office.

This game REALLY WANTS to teach you stuff by making twenty-four articles about panda life available for you to read and ponder. Unfortunately, you will be far too busy pimping out your pandas in footsie pajamas and full-sized crowns to ever care about learning why pandas prefer bamboo over, say, fried chicken.

I’d love to talk more about these games, but there’s nothing more to say. They are both HUGE time-wasters, but WAY fun because why…? BECAUSE THEY HAVE PANDAS. KEEP UP. As I said before, a game like Call of Duty 4, which I’m 99% sure does not feature pandas armed with sniper rifles dressed in combat-ready camouflaged army gear, cooing into walkie talkies and throwing grenades, which would be amazing.      …I completely forgot where that sentence was originally going.

Overall Rating: 7 out of 10