"Don't. Play. This. Game. Do. Read. This. Review."
by Joel Brink

Vampire Rain tries to play itself off as a stealth action game revolving around Nightwalkers (a.k.a. Vampires). Instead it turns out to be a cross between Metal Gear Solid, Splinter Cell, and Dog Poop. It’s like someone played both of those games, realized how much fun they were, finger painted with Rover’s digested dinner, realized how much fun that was, then made this game (without washing their hands first).

The premise is something that could be the backbone of a good game. Nightrunners loiter around town looking like normal civilians that are secretly taking over said town and killing anyone who gets in their way. It is there I found the only good thing about this game. The could-be-good-plot that is not executed was the only moment I felt a glimmer of hope.

The initial stages of the game are filled with countless and completely unnecessary 30-second cutscenes. They could have made just one cutscene of the same length, still delivering the relevant plot points, thus saving both my sanity and the puppy I kicked in frustration.

The difficulty of the game is RE-DICULOUS. If a Nightgalloper spots you, just sigh and set the controller down because you just died. The combat system gives you almost no chance of success as it takes only two hits for you to go down. The enemies move so quickly that you can hardly squeeze a shot off. If you have an assault rifle, maybe, just maybe, you can kill the Nightstroller dead.

Since combat is basically a lost cause, the emphasis is put on the stealth portion of gameplay. Stealth in games only works if you have a good camera. I will let you take a wild guess as to how good the camera is not. Maybe this is why the creators supplemented the shoddy camera with a craptastic radar system. The radar could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. The only time Nightskippers show up on your radar is when they are in “alert mode.”

The only way to make them “alert” is to A. Shoot nearby birds (which are rarely found in ideal ruckus-causing areas) or B. Give up your position to them which DUH! alerts them. A is rarely an option since the birds are smart enough to not go near the Nightstriders. B is never an option since (as I mentioned before) it’s suicide.

*Bangs head against wall until unconscious*

If you have fallen asleep or started cutting reading this review, then my plan worked. I fell asleep playing this crap game, thought about becoming emo, and wanted you to feel the same way.

Visually the game looks like a later generation XBOX title, with bugs. The buildings are completely generic, stationary vehicles look like cardboard cutouts, and you/Nightlimpers are the only objects given more than 10 polygons. Enemies have a weird tearing around them stemming from a botched cut-and-paste-the-character-model-into-the-environment type thing. The game has a constant rain effect which tries to distract your eyes from being raped by poor rendering. The game just looks like piss.

Audio is nowhere to be found. Constant rain sounds are accompanied by rain, followed by raining. The Nightjoggers don’t really make any noise except for a wimpy sigh-growl when they attack you. The weapons don’t even give you a satisfying KOW! KOW! KOW! since everything is silenced.

I can’t bring myself to divulge any more garbage from this game as I feel it to be cruel and unusual punishment for you, the poor reader, who stumbled across this page. To sum up, this game sucks a lot of Nightwalker… blood.

Overall Rating: 1 out of 10 inches of rain