"Warning: Game Contains Mass Amounts of Estrogen."
by Lisa Foiles

OPENING NOTE: Aside from being a self-delegated demarcator of all things awesome, a hell of a good foosball player, and an all-around amazing and humble person, I am a proud member of the motorcycle riding community with my driver’s license subtly flaunting an “M” for “Motorcycle Endorsement.” This is why I feel legally qualified to respond to Lara Croft’s motorcycle in Tomb Raider: Underworld with a king-sized “WTF?” But we’ll get to that later.

OMG LARA’S BACK! D-CUPS AND ALL! Sharing the same bra-size as Ms. Croft, I feel compelled to congratulate her for so many years of kicking ass and Spider-man-ing her way around countless ancient ruins and jungles with THOSE THINGS in the way. Tomb Raider: Underworld comes to Croft fans as the eighth game in the series, but unfortunately, it’s not the best out of the eight.

In this episode, Lara is searching for Thor’s hammer so she can use it to kill a prissy god that really cheesed her off. During the adventure, you travel through jungles (Audience: We know.), swim in water (Audience: We KNOW.), and explore ancient ruins (Audience: OMG WE KNOW. IT’S EFFING TOMB RAIDER. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND UNIQUE WITH PLOT TWISTS, HUMOR, NEW SETTINGS, AND COOLER WEAPONS? HA HA HA.).

This high-definition game looks spectacular. Lara’s movements couldn’t be more fluid, whether she’s running, rock-climbing, jumping, balancing on poles, or…riding her motorcycle.

<RANT>

There are certain weather conditions in which you are never advised to ride a motorcycle such as hers because of all the inevitable death. These include rainy weather, where there could be wet leaves that will cause the tires to slip, and of course, snow. Lara rides hers through an incredibly rainy JUNGLE. And then she goes and rides it on SNOWY CLIFFS. And then on ICE. This bike (probably a duel-sport, but performs like a dirt bike and looks like a sport bike) can also go in reverse. Reverse! How delightfully convenient! I would guesstimate that maybe 5% of bikes in the world go in reverse, and they certainly aren’t bikes like hers. PLUS SHE CONSTANTLY RUNS INTO STUFF LIKE WALLS MADE OF SOLID ROCK AND HER BIKE JUST KINDA BOUNCES OFF.

Why does this annoy me so much? Is it because I am an elitist, picky motorcycle enthusiast? Yes, probably, but it’s also because this game (aside from the giant spiders, skeleton zombies, and yetis/cave trolls) has worked so hard to achieve realism. EXAMPLES: Lara gets dirty when she’s in the jungle. Water washes off the dirt. Enemies don’t disappear when you kill them. They even screen-captured a freakin’ Olympic gymnast, for Pete’s steak! And it looks great! I just don’t understand why they spent so much time and money perfecting the physics of Lara on foot, but then just seemed to throw that goal away when it came to Lara’s bike! It’s like they literally just said, “Ah, no one’s gonna care!” WELL, I CARE, GUYS. I. CARE.

</RANT>

*Ahem.* The puzzles are pretty hard, in kind of an unnecessary way, especially at the end. The in-game hints sort of help, but not as much as just looking up the walkthrough on IGN (YOUR WELCOME, IGN). As previously stated, c’mon guys. Let’s see some more originality in the Tomb Raider games. It’s one thing to stick to the formula; it’s another to just keep repeating yourself.

I must say I like Lara’s facial expressions. Instead of having a constant your-ass-is-mine type of grimace, her eyes in the cutscenes visibly show when she’s in-awe, nervous, or confused. Her outfits are classy instead of skanky, which makes me thankful that they’ve (for the most part) kept this character, boobs and all, away from the typical scantily-clad heroine category, like so many (Japanese) games fail to do.

In the end, it really just doesn’t live up to Tomb Raider: Legend, even though all of the WCLD? (What Could Lara Do?) hype promised us otherwise. (MORE LIES FROM THE INDUSTRY!) All that hype really was was the creators saying, “OMG I BET WE COULD DO SO MUCH COOL STUFF!” and technology replying, “HA HA YOU WISH, N00BS.” The game IS fun and very pretty to look at it, but is essentially a letdown. Lara either needs to retire or get a beyond-incredible makeover to boost her popularity again. I’m thinking blonde highlights and maybe a third boob. Eh? Eh?

Overall Rating: 7 out of 10