"Supercrap."
by Stuart Newsom

Yeah, I can hear the grousing now…

“Superman 64. Picking low-lying fruit, huh? Everyone’s done Superman 64. It’s legendary for being bad. What can you do?”

Yes, I know more people have busted on Superman 64 than a cheap hooker at an orgy, but there’s a spot that I feel has been missed. This thing, though possibly insignificant to some, I feel leaves a gaping opening to fill and generally gets me more riled up than most anything else. Therefore, there is an extra spot to cover with this especially salty diatribe. 

Now, I also come from a position of experience. See, I actually owned this crap hole of a game and tried, oh how I tried, to play it. Not beat it. Not enjoy it. Play it. It was a job to just play the fucking thing. Seriously, I feel like I should be financially compensated for giving it a chance. It’s simply unplayable. The controls are so loose, so chaotic; it shouldn’t be possible to have a control scheme this broken.

For a game where 99.9999999% percent of it is flying though rings, you can’t fly worth shit. Oh, you want to make a sharp turn to make that next ring while at ANY speed? Too bad, you apparently have the turning radius of a 747, so you’re gonna fly right past it. You have to go back and get that ring. Wait, no, there’s a fucking timer! If you don’t get it right on the first time, you basically have to start all over again. It’s a grand experiment in psychological pain. If, by some miracle, you happen to get through all the rings, you have to do some sort of superheroism. I guess.

See, I only got to two parts of the first level. The first part was protecting pedestrians from some stupid drunk drivers, while the second was protecting a police car from a line of rocket launcher-carrying ninjas. The first part wasn’t that bad - just pick up the cars and chuck ‘um. The second one was the kicker. I first tried just going over and killing the ninjas. Didn’t work. Too many of ‘em. After going through all of the rings AGAIN to get to that point, I decided to just pick up a car. That worked…until the end of the level.

At some stupid rotating Superman symbol, I had to drop the car, but instead of simply putting down the car, Superman, the apparent Stupidman he his, decided to throw the car as far as he could, causing it to instantly blow up. DAMMIT! So, fly through all the fucking rings A.G.A.I.N. and do the whole thing over. This time I land, stop moving all together, and attempt to put the car down. Superman gently puts the car down at the Retardosymbol…and THE FUCKER BLOWS UP IN HIS FACE. MASSIVE FAIL! Now, I know he’s the Man of Steel and has colossal strength and all, but even with the gentlest of touches, can Superman really make cars explode FOR NO G-DAMN REASON?!? Because of that, I never figured out how to get any further and, frankly, didn’t care. Now, you’d think that’d be enough, but no. The real blasphemy comes in the multiplayer.

Yes, I said multiplayer. This pile of vile excrement dares to have multiplayer and, in all honesty, comes close to making this game just ‘bad.’ You know, instead of the abomination of mankind that it actually is. There apparently is an argument as to whether or not this portion of the game could actually be considered “multiplayer” because it’s hidden in the “new game” part of the menu. Also, it looks like it wasn’t on every cartridge of the game, which seems completely fucked up. But it was on mine, and it allowed four people to either race or blow each other up, so to me that’s multiplayer.

Both games, race and battle, are not that bad. The control scheme is still crap, but it can be so bad it’s good with a bunch of people sharing the pain. However, there is something so blasphemous in this multiplayer that it’s been a sticking point for me for years. It seems so simple: get the other characters (like Lois Lane, Lex Luthor, Brainiac) in little flying ships that shoot little laser pulses, switch to a first person view, and have them battle and/or race. It’s so easy. Except for one thing…THEY ALSO PUT SUPERMAN IN A FUCKING LITTLE SHIP TO FLY AROUND!!! He’s fucking Superman! He needs no assistance to fly unless he’s in space and can’t breathe! So why, pray tell, did the game developers put him in a stupid little ship like everyone else? Did you lose the character model from the single player? Did you just forget about it? Did Superman get jealous of all the other rides and make one of his own? IT. MAKES. NO. SENSE. AAAARRRRRRRGGGG!

There are games one will never forget. Final Fantasy VII. Street Fighter II. Metroid. Vectorman 2. Unfortunately, this will be one I’ll never forget, burned into my brain forever. What has been seen cannot be unseen and what has been played…well, that was my own damn fault.

Overall Rating: Do you seriously have to ask? 1.