"The Game that Changed My Life (And Taught Me the Schematics of Insulting Others)."
by Lisa Foiles

This game means so much to me that just the sound of the theme song sends chills up and down my spine EVERY TIME. I love the series so much, in fact, that I was part of the movement years ago to get the first two games turned into a movie and even spoke to some of my producer friends about it. Unfortunately, I was only about fourteen years old at the time, so even though I spoke logically and persuasively, holding a stack of papers statistically proving that the public would attend and adore a Monkey Island film, they kind of just smiled to each other, tilted their heads, and said, “Oh my gosh, she’s so adorable!!” Jerks.

Take the basics of the first Pirates of Caribbean movie plot, make it eight zillion times better by eliminating the homosexual pretty-boy tendencies of Will and making Elizabeth WAY more kick-ass, make the entire story hilarious, and add monkeys. (In fact, a lot of Monkey Island fans were rather tweaked off when the first Pirates came out, since some scenes seemed like an outright rip-off of the game but WE WON’T GET INTO THAT RIGHT NOW.)

In The Secret of Monkey Island, Guybrush Threepwood (no, that’s not a typo, Microsoft Word) finds himself washed up on the shores of Mêlée Island, deep in the Caribbean, with one desire: he wants to be a pirate. The only problem this scrawny, naïve little white boy has is that he has no idea how to go about doing that. After meeting with some grog-swilling pirate leaders in the local Scumm Bar, he is sent on a quest with three tasks to complete, and once accomplished, he will be worthy of the title “pirate.” This seemingly innocent mission soon lands him in a whole heap of trouble. You see, (I love beginning sentences like that) Guybrush met a beautiful, yet tough-as-nails female on his pirate quest named Elaine Marley, the Governor of Mêlée Island and, obvious from his inability to speak anything but gibberish when she’s around, developed feelings for her.

Unfortunately, this turns out to be the worst idea ever, since the evil ghost pirate LeChuck already has plans to marry the saucy Elaine, who, naturally, is quite opposed to the idea. Anyway, LeChuck kidnaps her and takes her to his lair on the mysterious Monkey Island. And WHO do you think is the only one brave enough to go rescue her? Why, Guybrush Threepwood, of course! He sets off to save the lovely governor, apparently forgetting that no one has ever returned from Monkey Island alive…DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN.

*SPOILER ALERT: I’M REVIEWING THE FIRST TWO GAMES AT ONCE, SO IF YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, FOR REALSIES DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANY PART OF THE OUTCOME OF MONKEY ISLAND 1, DON’T READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH. KTHXBYE.*

The sequel, Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge, is more of the same, and it’s AWESOME. As you can tell from the title, LeChuck was defeated in the first game and is back to seek revenge – but rather than a ghost pirate, he’s now a ZOMBIE PIRATE.

Guybrush, on top of the world with his pockets loaded with cash, begins on Scabb Island, where his favorite pastime is retelling his victorious battle with LeChuck to anyone who will or will not listen. That being over, Guybrush is now in search of the lost treasure of Big Whoop. He goes about his map-finding business until he discovers that LeChuck’s corpse has been brought back to life, and he’s PISSED. Once again, traveling across many, many islands, Guybrush prepares for his final showdown with the zombie pirate.

What makes these games cult classics are the features that you will never see in any other game. This makes the series easily identifiable when referenced. For example, if anyone around you says, “NO SOUP FOR YOU!” or “Do NOT go in there. Woo!” you immediately know those are from that classic Seinfeld episode and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, respectively. Similarly, if anyone in the gaming community says, “Look behind you! A three-headed monkey!” or “How appropriate. You fight like a cow.” it can only be a Monkey Island reference.

Speaking of that second Monkey Island quote, the MI games invented “insult-sword fighting.” Pirates fight with swords, right? So do the pirates in MI…only they have a slightly different technique. With every swish of the blade, one fighter must insult the other, and if the insultee can come up with the proper one-upping response, they win that round, if not, they lose. Example:

Pirate 1: You fight like a dairy farmer!
Pirate 2 (Correct Response): How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
Pirate 2 (Incorrect Response): I am rubber…you are glue!
Pirate 2 (Incorrect Response B): YOUR MOM. BITCH!

The only way of learning new insults and their correct responses is to keep fighting. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen in a video game…and by the end you’ll be thirsty for more.

So, as you can see, Monkey Island was all about pirates before pirates were cool. I could babble on about MI’s extreme raddness for a few more days, but I won’t. I’ll just say that you must play this game in order to call yourself a gamer. It’s a classic. It’s extremely likeable and ridiculously funny.

Overall Rating:    10 out of 10