Console - Game Boy
Genre - Platformer
Published by - Nintendo
Rel. Date - 1992
Before Kirby somehow magically acquired the ability to swallow enemies and adopt their powers, he had only two skills: suck and blow.
And fly. …So, three.
My first ever Game Boy was a yellow Game Boy Pocket, given to me by my dad who was obviously trying to make me cooler. I somehow obtained Kirby’s Dream Land, hopefully in an honest way, when I was around ten. It was the first game I EVER BEAT. AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING. Because unlike this website, THERE ARE NO. SAVE. POINTS. NONE. So, either you beat this black and white side-scroller from start to finish, or your ten-year-old self would be crabby as hell the rest of the day, taking your rage out on your brother’s Skeletor action figure by running over it repeatedly with your pink bike. (Readers: ???) I had issues.
Kirby’s Dream Land was the debut of Kirby – his coming out party, if you will. He was introduced to America as a cute little flying…thing…wow…I have no idea how to describe him. Okay, he kind of looks like a little ghost. Like from Mario. But with shoes. And cuter. Wikipedia says "a young male pink ball," which is just stupid, despite being funny on multiple levels. I would say he looks like a Pokémon, like that little chucklefucker Jigglypuff, but NO. THEY look like HIM. KIRBY came FIRST.
On a side note, I spent YEARS defending Kirby as being white, since the American box art for KDL depicted him as such. Unfortunately, it was later revealed to me that Kirby was intended to be pink all along by the Japanese dudes who created him, and the Americans just screwed it up. OH, GOOD. THAT’S WHY WE DON’T LET THEM MAKE MOTORCYCLES. AMERICANS: "HERE’S YOUR BIKE. OH WHOOPS. WE FORGOT THE BACK WHEEL."
The one truly sad thing about this game is that, even though I’ve beaten it over fifty times, it wasn’t until I just now looked it up on Wikipedia that I discovered the actual plotline: "The gluttonous King Dedede has stolen all of the food from the inhabitants of Dream Land for a midnight feast, so Kirby, a resident of Dream Land, goes to retrieve the food and stop Dedede." Wow, no shit? I had no idea. There wasn’t an intro or cutscenes or anything. All my young self knew when I started playing was that I was Kirby and I was PISSED for some reason and DAMN HUNGRY. And the locals were DICKS so naturally I ate them. Of course, the real plotline makes sense now that I recall the one and only cutscene at the end where Kirby heroically distributes food back to the land. Aww. Kuwby. :)
As earlier stated, this is the only game devoid of Kirby’s trademark "copy" ability, and I personally like that. It forces Kirby to save his world and defeat bad guys using only his God-given abilities, making him virtually identical to Batman. Yeah, Batman and Kirby are pretty much the same person. The game’s bad guys include "Waddle Dee" and "Sir Kibble," now standard baddies in today’s Kirby games, with the remake Kirby Super Star Ultra being KIRBY GAME #20. That’s over nineteen entire games. Just let that sink in.
After making your way through the giant CF of enemies scuttling about your every path (nothing good EVER scuttles), you fight four different bosses. These bosses confuse me in the sense that I can beat three of them in under a minute without losing one health bar, yet the second one Kirby encounters (Lololo and Lalala) takes me forever and gets me down to about one health bar EVERY TIME. AND REMEMBER HOW MANY TIMES I’VE BEATEN THIS GAME. Yeah, it’s weird. It’s almost like King Dedede had a pre-attack meeting with the bosses that went something like this:
King Dedede: All righty! I’d like to thank you all for coming today. First off, I appreciate all the hard work you’ve been doing training for our upcoming Kirby battle. It really means a lot to me. I haven’t been able to say that lately, since I’ve been busy stealing every piece of food in the land. Ha ha, yeah, I know, I know, it seems "unnecessary" and "obsessive" –
Kracko (Lightning Cloud): Yeah, look, can we hurry this up? I’ve got a blasphemer to strike down in like ten minutes.
King Dedede: All right, okay. Basically I just wanted to ask that you guys go easy on Kirby. Just…shake him up a little. Let him defeat you pretty easily. We want to let him know that he’s fucked, but definitely not sequel-less game fucked. Kick Kirby’s ass, but maybe not his entire ass, because I want most of that ass, you know what I’m saying?
Whispy Woods (Tree): But I can still spit air on him, yes?
King Dedede: Oh, yeah, of course. I love that. Your air spitting is money.
Kaboola (Blimp): And the cannonballs? I can still shoot those?
King Dedede: Yes, yes, all of that. Okay, so it’s settled. Go easy on Kirby. Got that Lololo and Lalala?
L & L: NO. GET F*CKED.
So, now I’m really looking forward to all the typo-laden emails I will receive from prick gamers saying, "HAHA YOU ARE A N00B U STRUGGLE WITH THAT KIRBY BOSS LOL? ALL U HAVE 2 DO IS GRAB THERE BOXES AND SNEEK UP BEHIND THEM AND KILL THEM U ARE TEH SUUUUXXXOORZ." I will then respond with this:
Love, Lisa.