"Reviewers are...GO!!!"
by Stuart Newsom

Hey, I’ll admit it: I like rhythm games. They make me feel like I actually have musical talent. (Now, if anyone has ever heard me sing or was around during the time I attempted to learn the banjo, they’d laugh heartily at that statement. But a guy can dream, can’t he?) But Elite Beat Agents is not your normal rhythm game. It may have music and hitting things in time with the beat, but it’s an experience in off-the-wall weirdness that you have to see to believe.

Many games are known for their story. This isn’t one of them. There’s no linear story - just a bunch of smaller stories compiled together. Basically, when someone is in trouble and can’t take it anymore, they scream upward to the heavens, “HELP!” In response to their emotional outburst, three members of some secret government agency, clad in black suits and ties, arrive to help them overcome their issues. But not by actually, you know, helping them. Instead, they dance around them! Which, in turn, motivates them to overcome whatever it is they’re going through! Uh, yeah…can you imagine this in real life? You’re having a crappy day that seems to never get better, you scream out for help, and then all of a sudden three guys in black suits donning ridiculous haircuts appear and start dancing to pop music. That wouldn’t help me; it’d scare the crap out of me.

At first the problems aren’t too out of the ordinary: helping a babysitter with a bunch of rowdy kids when she wants to ask a guy out, helping a director make some wacked-out movie about a giant cat destroying a city, and assisting a taxi driver with getting a woman in labor to the hospital without getting a speeding ticket. Then it gets a little weirder: the agents help an oil tycoon get more money to satisfy his gold-digger wife, a white blood cell that looks like a Candy Striper Nurse take on a virus, and two Hilton-esque “celebrities” get off a desert island, with the last one on that list only being notable for the celebrity sisters’ boob-jiggle physics – the only case of boob-jiggle physics I personally have seen on the DS. What can I say? I’m a heterosexual male. I notice these things. I never said I was proud of it.

As you can tell, the levels are silly and goofy, which is all well and good. However… midway through, the game takes a drastic turn into the realm of uncomfortableness. It seems harmless enough; it’s a Christmas-themed level! Oh, joy! Maybe the agents will help with Christmas shopping! A little girl wakes up and comes down to the table to see her mom. She starts talking about her daddy and how excited she is about seeing him for Christmas. Then, the mother, looking forlorn, explains to the little girl that Daddy’s not going to be home for Christmas…or ever again. Though not mentioned, it’s assumed that, Daddy is, in fact, dead. Level start.

Now, wait a minute game! Not one level ago, I was helping a lost dog get home while dancing to “Highway Star”. Now I’m helping a little girl cope with the fact that her father died to Chicago’s “You’re the Inspiration”? I kindly ask you, oh game, how do you expect me to feel about this, since it currently feels like you socked me in the gut? Not only that, this is the ONLY level with this tone and it’s never mentioned again. It’s a game equivalent of a Big Lipped Alligator Moment (check out www.thatguywiththeglasses.com, Nostalgia Critic review of Ferngully to get that). In such a bizarre game, this moment of seriousness seems really out of place.

Like other rhythm games, the music is the key importance. Elite Beat Agents has about nineteen songs, ranging from “Rock This Town” and “Highway Star” to “La La” and “Material Girl.” Unfortunately, they’re all covers, but the quality is generally pretty good. I will give the game credit, since it does make “Sk8er Boi” and “The Anthem” listenable. Some songs are just meh though, especially the cover of “I Was Born to Love You” by Queen. The controls play well with the DS screens and the game is pretty addicting once you get the hang of it. So, the story may be weird, you know, with fathers of sweet little girls dying on Christmas Day and all, but hey, at least the game’s fun.

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10