"Bitch Stole My Skull!"
by Joel Brink

This game sucks 50’s bullet riddled johnson. Think that’s a bad thing? You’d be terribly wrong. Not just any 2 dollah ho can get on Fiddy’s jock. Only a high-class hoodrat can access that bulletproof zipper. But don’t hollah at your best trick just yet…

Start out with 50 and the G-unit crew. Believable. Pan out to show them on stage for the last stop on the tour. Believable. Finish the show and exit stage left. Believable. Go into a room demanding the $10 million payment you are supposed to receive from what I can only assume is for the show you just put on. Shut up bitch, with 50 THAT is believable, too.

At this point I got worried thinking this game wouldn’t be as over-the-top and gangsta-rific as I’d hoped. But then I realized I was in Afghanistan Iraq Middle Eastern Country X for a rap concert. Who the fuck would be in that audience? I also realized that as the G-unit crew walks off stage, they are already strapped with Rambo knives and grenades. Now that’s what I’m fucking talking about.

So surprise surprise, the guy can’t fork up the 1,000,000,000 cents he owes you. So instead he gives you a diamond encrusted skull deemed priceless, that nobody gives a shit about until it’s in your possession.

As you leave in your Humvee caravan, your ride gets blown the fuck up and some bitch jacks your skull.

Now the chase is on to track down that ho and P.I.M.P. slap the skull out of her. And for some reason, you enlist the help of the guy who just fucked you over with the money AS HE IS TELLING YOU TO TRUST NO ONE!

Now it’s down to business. Just point your gat and blow shit up. Point your AK and blow shit up. Point your bazooka and blow shit up. Don’t be stupid, bitch; every rapper knows how to wield a bazooka.

The gameplay offers a cover system that works pretty well. You can blindfire at punk bitches, pop out from cover and cap that ass, and jump between cover spots while fools try to blast you. The system isn’t filled with a lot of bling or shine, but it gets the job done.

Gameplay also offers co-op, and it’s the shit, bitch. The two best levels for it are a driving one and flying one. One level has you pushin’ a Hummer (since it is both a status symbol and durable military transport) while your homie blasts bitches with a turret. The other level has both playas wrecking the whole block from a helicopter with 50 cent caliber miniguns.

As you keep blasting your way along, building your way towards the largest mass murder carried out by two people in human history, everybody fucks you over. Every story character you come across ends up trying to ice your ass from a helicopter.

That is one of the few annoying things about the game. Trying to take down a chopper is about as fun as chewing glass. It’s also the only time in the game I went to “Thug Mansion” without letting myself in the door. Every other time I died was on purpose so I could redo a checkpoint to get a better score.

One other highlight of gameplay is the taunt feature. Clicking the LS allows 50 to bark obscenities at punk ass bitches. There is nothing more satisfying than yelling, “Fuckin’ Die!” or “Fuck You, Pussies!” and then blasting them point blank with a tactical shotgun. You can even upgrade your taunts to include phrases with more profanity and X-rated material. Word son.

In comparison to 50 Cent Bulletproof, there have been major upgrades in the visuals of Fiddy and his soldiers. Use of the UE3 engine has all of G-Unit looking as shiny and beef-cakey as ever. In-game models look good, maybe at the sacrifice of the environment. The area textures did suffer from pop-in a handful of times.

The audio is basically an extended rap album but with gun blasts, monologues, and other sound effects laid over. Let me rephrase: The audio is like your modern day rap album filled with everything you would expect. It is better though since it’s Fiddy and he has some bomb ass beats.

I knew this game would be shit, but I didn’t think it would be THE shit. It’s a really basic game concept with a storyline worthy of 50’s pedigree. Kill bitches in the Middle East, get back your diamond encrusted skull, and do it all with a homie.

“FUCKIN DIE, BITCH!”

Overall Rating: 36 cents out of 50 cents