I would like to begin by saying I don’t care what kind of off-brand bullshit cereal company you think you’re running – selling Rice Krispies to civilians without the Rice Krispie Treat recipe on the side of the box is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
We’re not buying your crappy tastes-like-air ricey crunchturds because we like hearing the late 90’s commercial Snap! Crackle! Pop! sounds when we add milk. We’re buying them because we want to make some motherf*cking Rice Krispie Treats.
I’m eating cereal right this very second. I ate cereal for breakfast this morning and dinner last night, too. I consume more cereal than you’d fathom is humanly possible. In fact, I consume so many bowls of Cheerios that not only should I never have heart problems, I've surely developed some sort of super heart by now.
However, I don’t eat boxes upon boxes of this crap simply because it’s a cheap and easy meal, i.e. the perfect choice for someone who has the cooking skills of a mentally handicapped sea sponge. I eat it because I genuinely love cereal. I do. I love it. I crave it. It’s the one food of which I never get tired. Unlike yogurt. I can only eat yogurt for about two months out of the year, then I refuse to touch the stuff for another 304 days. It’s become a ritual.
The reason I never tire of cereal is likely because there are somewhere in the ballpark of 6.5 trillion different varieties to choose from, and that’s just at gas station convenience stores. It’s absurd how many different kinds of cereal exist – and the saddest part is that I’ve tried at least 80 percent of them. This makes me, yes, a Cereal Aficionado. Why am I not on the cover of that magazine?
I remember cereals all the way back to Quisp and the debut of Waffle Crisp. Remember the gimmick-y cereals like Nesquik and the Nintendo Cereal System? Oreo-O’s, French Toast Crunch, Triples, even the poorly named Double Dip Crunch. I’ve tried it all, folks. You should have seen me running around like a damn lunatic last Halloween trying to purchase every box of limited edition Count Chocula that was available within a ten-mile radius. YES, I WILL DRIVE TEN MILES FOR COUNT CHOCULA. (Boo Berry and Frankenberry I can take or leave.)
So now that you fully realize my lifelong love for and dedication to cereal, I can start bitching about why so many of them PISS ME OFF. ...and why some are awesome.
Kix. What the f*ck, Kix? You used to be so sugary and scrumptious. Then, sometime in the early 2000’s, probably giving into that bullshit hippie mother trend of putting less sugar in children’s foods so moms can feel like they’re actually doing something positive for their irritating child’s life as opposed to, oh, I don’t know, actually being a parent, you changed your recipe. This was one of the saddest days of my cereal-loving life. Kix, you hurt me. You hurt me deep.
Wheat Chex. Why the hell are you still on shelves? NO ONE LIKES WHEAT CHEX. EXCEPT WHORES AND SOCIALISTS. “But Lisa, we need it for Chex Mix!” Really? Do we? Check out that bowl of Chex Mix you’re sharing and let me know which ingredient will be most leftover by the end. Cause it sure as hell ain’t gonna be the pretzels or the Corn Chex. Wheat Chex are gross and taste like dirty cardboard. For the good of society, they should be outlawed.
Apple Jacks and Froot Loops. You are both delicious, but seriously, stop getting so soggy so quickly. I feel like I'm eating little pieces of wet toilet paper.
Cookie Crisp. I love that you are a real thing even though you cause diabetes with every bite and no one should ever eat you, ever.
Cap'n Crunch. Am I the only one who thinks you are better without Crunch Berries? I am? Okay.
Any cereal by Fiber One. You are the worst bags of disgusting bran nuggets ever created, get off my shelves. The low-calorie-high-fiber diet trend is over and the Atkins guy is dead. MOVE ON.
Corn Pops. YOU ARE UNDERRATED AND DELICIOUS AND COME IN A SPECIAL BAG THAT MAKES ME THINK YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT TOXIC.
Alpha-Bits. Bless you for surviving through these years. You are one of the best cereals ever created. Despite you being for toddlers.
Above all, I would just like to end this rant with this photograph. Kids, know your cereal history.