Sunday Rant: Sometimes Cereal Makes Me Sad
I would like to begin by saying I don’t care what kind of off-brand bullshit cereal company you think you’re running – selling Rice Krispies to civilians without the Rice Krispie Treat recipe on the side of the box is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
We’re not buying your crappy tastes-like-air ricey crunchturds because we like hearing the late 90’s commercial Snap! Crackle! Pop! sounds when we add milk. We’re buying them because we want to make some motherf*cking Rice Krispie Treats.
I’m eating cereal right this very second. I ate cereal for breakfast this morning and dinner last night, too. I consume more cereal than you’d fathom is humanly possible. In fact, I consume so many bowls of Cheerios that not only should I never have heart problems, I've surely developed some sort of super heart by now.
However, I don’t eat boxes upon boxes of this crap simply because it’s a cheap and easy meal, i.e. the perfect choice for someone who has the cooking skills of a mentally handicapped sea sponge. I eat it because I genuinely love cereal. I do. I love it. I crave it. It’s the one food of which I never get tired. Unlike yogurt. I can only eat yogurt for about two months out of the year, then I refuse to touch the stuff for another 304 days. It’s become a ritual.
The reason I never tire of cereal is likely because there are somewhere in the ballpark of 6.5 trillion different varieties to choose from, and that’s just at gas station convenience stores. It’s absurd how many different kinds of cereal exist – and the saddest part is that I’ve tried at least 80 percent of them. This makes me, yes, a Cereal Aficionado. Why am I not on the cover of that magazine?
I remember cereals all the way back to Quisp and the debut of Waffle Crisp. Remember the gimmick-y cereals like Nesquik and the Nintendo Cereal System? Oreo-O’s, French Toast Crunch, Triples, even the poorly named Double Dip Crunch. I’ve tried it all, folks. You should have seen me running around like a damn lunatic last Halloween trying to purchase every box of limited edition Count Chocula that was available within a ten-mile radius. YES, I WILL DRIVE TEN MILES FOR COUNT CHOCULA. (Boo Berry and Frankenberry I can take or leave.)
So now that you fully realize my lifelong love for and dedication to cereal, I can start bitching about why so many of them PISS ME OFF. ...and why some are awesome.
Kix. What the f*ck, Kix? You used to be so sugary and scrumptious. Then, sometime in the early 2000’s, probably giving into that bullshit hippie mother trend of putting less sugar in children’s foods so moms can feel like they’re actually doing something positive for their irritating child’s life as opposed to, oh, I don’t know, actually being a parent, you changed your recipe. This was one of the saddest days of my cereal-loving life. Kix, you hurt me. You hurt me deep.
Wheat Chex. Why the hell are you still on shelves? NO ONE LIKES WHEAT CHEX. EXCEPT WHORES AND SOCIALISTS. “But Lisa, we need it for Chex Mix!” Really? Do we? Check out that bowl of Chex Mix you’re sharing and let me know which ingredient will be most leftover by the end. Cause it sure as hell ain’t gonna be the pretzels or the Corn Chex. Wheat Chex are gross and taste like dirty cardboard. For the good of society, they should be outlawed.
Apple Jacks and Froot Loops. You are both delicious, but seriously, stop getting so soggy so quickly. I feel like I'm eating little pieces of wet toilet paper.
Cookie Crisp. I love that you are a real thing even though you cause diabetes with every bite and no one should ever eat you, ever.
Cap'n Crunch. Am I the only one who thinks you are better without Crunch Berries? I am? Okay.
Any cereal by Fiber One. You are the worst bags of disgusting bran nuggets ever created, get off my shelves. The low-calorie-high-fiber diet trend is over and the Atkins guy is dead. MOVE ON.
Corn Pops. YOU ARE UNDERRATED AND DELICIOUS AND COME IN A SPECIAL BAG THAT MAKES ME THINK YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT TOXIC.
Alpha-Bits. Bless you for surviving through these years. You are one of the best cereals ever created. Despite you being for toddlers.
Above all, I would just like to end this rant with this photograph. Kids, know your cereal history.
59 comments on “Sunday Rant: Sometimes Cereal Makes Me Sad”
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I, too, think Cap’n Crunch is better with out the crunch berries.
Best lol moment I had today. Hmmm….now have to go find some Alpha-Bits
I used to eat 12 Wheatabix a day when i was a kid. Yes, 12, all for breakfast. Don’t ask me how or why I just did and it was fricken awesome.
I don’t eat breakfast any more though :( It was sacrificed to gain an extra 15mins in bed in the morning. Mmmmm extra time in bed *drool on pillow*
I don’t recognise any of the brands you name though, different in the UK, less X’s in the titles :P
Wheat Chex I think (from a quick Google) seem to be the same as/similar to our Shreddies.
I had to look up Shreddies via google, and I would say you’re right about them being about the same as Wheat Chex. On that note, was this an honest marketing campaign?
http://themarketingguy.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/diamon-shreddies-ooh-02.jpg
If so, genius.
mmm shreddies, guess I’m a whore then haha. I can live with that.
You could say you were a cereal offender.
I’ll get my coat. :(
I have never enjoyed cereal. the idea of eating something cold and mushy for breakfast makes me cringe.
I’ve just had flashbacks of my childhood Breakfast.
Place one Weetabix in the middle of a large bowl and sprinkle with a little sugar. Surround with Kellogg’s Start and then bury with chocolate Weetos. Drown the lot with lovely milk and grab a man spoon(tm)!
Unfortunately we don’t get half the cereals you mentioned here in England, please mail me some…
I’d send you a box of Count Chocula but over my dead body.
Allow Miss Foiles to live, or sample the elusive Count Chocula…. Hmm.
Tough choice lady, I’ll get back to you.
I will have to agree with you on mostly everything. Cereals have declined in today’s world, though they’ve had odd ones throughout the years. It’s hard for me to find a cereal I still like after all the recipe changes and sugar withdrawling they do now. I can still love on honeycombs and alpha-bits. I think frosted flakes are even loosing sugar somehow, and they are supposed to be sugar covered flakes. I mostly end up eating everything dry anyhow, since the milk goes so fast compared to the cereal, but it’s all still good. I just have one question to ask… how do you know what littles pieces of wet toilet paper taste like to be able to make that reference? O_o
……….I don’t wanna talk about it.
I am 40 years old. I still eat Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes and Cocoa Puffs. I won’t let my wife put her Kashi on the same shelf, for fear of cross-contamination :) You go Lisa!
I don’t usually comment on these kinds of things, but I felt it was necessary to say I agree 100% about the crunch berries. The Cap’n may cut the roof of your mouth, but without those crunch berries it’s totally worth it.
I know, right? Joel here at Save Point calls it “mouth shrapnel.” Pretty accurate.
No, you are not the only one who prefers the Capt’n without crunch berries. I think the berries just ruin the delectable flavor given to us by that sea ferring genius of crispness.
I am curious how you feel about Peanut Butter Crunch, since it is one of my favorites.
It’s awesome, but I get tired of it quickly. But that kind of goes for every cereal. I can eat Cheerios for weeks at a time but the sugar-y stuff I have to space out.
Well that made me laugh though I got to ask have you tries Oreo O’s I think I might have tried them a long time ago and they tasted like ass, but I can’t remember
They were delicious in that “this is so much sugar, it’s probably dissolving my insides” kind of way.
“You should have seen me running around like a damn lunatic last Halloween trying to purchase every box of limited edition Count Chocula that was available within a ten-mile radius.”
Or having someone clear across the country from you send you a box when they found it near them…not like that’d happen or anything.
YOU WERE THE BEST PERSON EVER FOR DOING THAT. HEY EVERYONE! STUART GOT ME COUNT CHOCULA AND NOW HE’S IN MY CIRCLE OF “PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER BE NOT AWESOME” …CIRCLE.
I recall liking Fingos the one time my dad bought them, but then them disappearing forever because people only bought them once.
My favorite “healthy” cereal is Cracklin’ Oat Bran. Fiber One take note, THAT is how to make fiber taste good. (And it’s been around longer than we have. Take that, trend cereals!)
…Ya know, I could probably go on about cereal for as long as you just did. I think I may have to do my own blog post about it. Hmm…not right now ’cause I’m lazy, but eventually…
Cereal is serious business. And while we are at it cereal & serious… not homonyms.
But definitely need to agree. Crunchberries are totally unnecessary. Favorite thing about Cap’n Crunch is the razor-burnt feeling in your mouth after the second bowl. It makes me feel like I’m Chuck Norris eating corn and glass for breakfast.
Also, cereal + Bailey’s Irish Cream = bad idea or best post-hangover breakfast ever. Discuss.
Noted. Next time I’m drunk, I will not have Irish Cereal even though I am Irish.
El tendría un voto seguro en mi.
Greetings Lisa, you are awesome.
Urkelos?!
Completely agree about Cap’n Crunch. You are not alone.
When I eat cereal, which sadly is rare, I like to mix it up a bit. And by mix it up, I mean Cookie Crisp + Golden Grahams, maybe add some Cinnamon Toast Crunch to my bowl. I want to make it a freakin’ experience that I will remember for days, not something I’ll forget about around lunchtime.
I FEEL YOU SO HARD ON THE KIX THING. SERIOUSLY. ITS SUCH BULLSHIT.
Though, have you tried BERRY KIX? THEY ARE SERIOUSLY TOUCHED BY SOME SORT OF DEITY.
If i’m not eating those, its Multigrain Cheerios all the god damn way.
Fruity Pebbles ftw. Its a scientific fact.. Google it.
There’s a restaurant in Vegas called KGB. Its a burger joint and one of their specialties is a Cap’n Crunch mikshake. Yes that’s right, Crunchy sweety goodness with ice cream. One of the most brilliant things ive ever tasted. Also what about Rice Krispie treats ceral?! That shit was everything you dreamed of.
I think my absolute favorite was the Ninja Turtles cereal: http://youtu.be/RR06EqIbxY4
I still have the Ninja Turtles bowl that came with the cereal!
But can Lisa see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
…
No. No she can’t.
Everyone must remember one thing: Cocoa Pebbles Cereal. That’s how I do it.
Click my name to know that they are Yabba Dabba Delicious.
Like the other Brits above have mentioned, not a single one of these products exist in our country. A bit of Googling around this morning suggests our taste in breakfast cereals are completely different to the United States:
http://rulefortytwo.com/articles-essays/letters-from-england/british-breakfast-cereal/
Unfortunately, there seems to be no place online to purchase import breakfast cereals. It’s okay though, we have Cadbury’s chocolate (f*ck yeah!) and that more than makes up for our lack of sugary cereal.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, man, but we get Cadbury in the states, too.
OH COME ON.
HAHA TOM’S CRANKY, THIS AMUSES ME
WHY IS THERE NO IMPORT PLACE!!??! THIS MUST BE CORRECTED IMMEDIATELY!!!
With the expertise shown here there can only be one qualified person for sending us cereal.
You can actually find Wheatabix in the states, but they put it in the health food isle. I seriously question this decision as the only way you can properly enjoy Wheatabix is with a spoon of sugar per “Bix” which turns it from sawdust to “I just had an orgasm in my mouth.”
Here in Australia, of the cereals you mentioned, we have…lets see…froot loops….aaannndddd…….that’s it.
The mature thing to say would be “I’m happy that you get to enjoy so many delicious cereals” but I’m going with “Kiss my Vegemite smeared butt”
Fair enough, sir.
Cough *Marmite is better* cough
Man I would happily trade either for tasty cereal. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to have a bowl of sultana bran…*sigh*
We get the Full-English to make up for it Tom lol.
So, what’s your position on cereal in yogurt then? Would the cereal still be irresistable? Or would the yogurt ruin it 304 times out of 365?
Only 10 miles for Count Chockula? Over in the US I had a box of those and DAMN I love it…but nope: not available in Germany <.< I LOVE THIS STUFF!!! GET OVER HERE *gettingscorpioharpoon*
Cinnamon Toast Crunch… Its food from the heavens. Not the brand name stuff that’s mostly sugar and far too sweet but the generic store brand crap that for some reason has better ingredients than the shit 3x as expensive for 1/6th of the volume.
Just give me massive fucking volumes of cinnamon and some sugar I can see instead of fine powered crap and I am a happy camper. You know you have eaten enough when the Cinnamon feels like its burning a hole in your stomach.
The stomach burning is one of my favorite feelings.
Cereal without stomach burning is like a party without balloons.
^_^
Wow, you have the exact same taste in Cereal that I do! Also, speaking of Rice Krispies Treats, I am infinitely sad that Rice Krispies Treats cereal is no longer in production. I could eat that stuff all day, every day!
Great post, Lisa!
That cereal was pretty awesome! Almost forgot about that one.
OMG Lisa, something else we have in common! I eat SO much cereal, sometimes twice a day! I’m SO glad you mentioned Triples, we’ve gotta petition General Mills to bring that one back! Don’t even get me started on Kix, they fucking ruined that shit! Corn Chex is way more enjoyable!
There’s a rumor going around that Corn Pops could be discontinued in the next year or so! They’re just not as popular as they used to be, I guess.
Here in Germany, from those cereals you mentioned, we only got Cookie Crisp and Froot Loops.
Even tho the German Froot Loops are way less colorful than the US Version, and are almost free of any taste….
Cookie Crisps i’ve never bought. I switched to those cheap ripoff brands from the supermarkets themselves.
Some of them actually taste better than the real thing.
But our selection of breakfast cereals is poor anyway.
If you got 10 types, then you are at a big store :(
Can you tell me why cereal boxes make good reading material, but only while your eating cereal.
I am right with you on the Froot Loops getting soggy too fast. That’s why I only ever put a tiny dribble of milk on. The great cereals of my youth don’t seem to taste as good anymore. I think you’re right on the bullshit pressure to reduce sugar content, but I also think it has to do with this switch to everything being multi-grain. Crock ‘o’ crap if you ask me. Froot Loops ain’t gonna be healthy no matter what grain you use. In recent years I have bowed to the pressures of adulthood and switched to over-priced muesli-ish, high-fibre cardboard-based cereals. This post really gives me the urge to go out and stock up on Froot Loops and Corn Pops. I loved those suckers.
Although Froot Loops were the source of one of the great disappointments of my childhood. At one point there was a promotion where you could save up UPC codes and mail them in for a free (+shipping and handling) 6″ action figure of Han Solo, in the Storm Trooper disguise, with removable helmet! Man, I ate Froot Loops as fast as I could, but my mom would not buy more. By the time I got my UPC codes saved up, the promotion was over. I have been disillusioned and bitter, ever since.
Ah cereals they bring memories. Cheerios and yogurt ones are mine favorite here, only problem with cheerios is that you never eat them enough at breakfast, and pretty much after a couple hours hours youre hungry again.
Anyway very nice article, couldnt never imagine person who can write this long article about cereals this passionate. But ive witnessed it now, with my own eyes :D nice work!
…and people think I’m crazy when I tend to bring home 10-20 boxes of the stuff at a time, intending to eat most of it on my own. Good to see I’m not alone. =)
NO ONE LIKES WHEAT CHEX. EXCEPT WHORES AND SOCIALISTS.
That line right there made my day.
YOU ARE UNDERRATED AND DELICIOUS AND COME IN A SPECIAL BAG THAT MAKES ME THINK YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT TOXIC.
This one is a close second. I always wondered about the super-bag they put Corn Pops in. It’s reminiscent of the stuff you get new computer hardware in, those anti-static bags. So if we expose Corn Pops to high levels of static electricity then….profit?
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