MOVIE REVIEW: Fast Five Is Awesome, And If You Disagree, You Are Wrong.
I have never seen a Fast & Furious movie because, unlike video games, I don’t give two and a half thousand f*cks about films intended for thirteen-year-old boys with adolescent Ferrari-boners. This probably makes me the least qualified person to write a review about Fast Five, along with the fact that I don’t like reviewing movies and I still have no idea what any of the characters names were.
But that doesn’t matter because this movie was SO AWESOME PLEASE GO SEE IT.
Aside from a few lines of cheesy dialogue, I really have no problems with this movie. I’m sure it would have helped to know some sort of backstory, but meh. Who has time for researching things before writing about them on the Internet?
The movie begins with the former cop (?) guy, we’ll call him Pretty Boy, and his SPOILER pregnant wife/girlfriend/”roommate,” we’ll call her Preggers, helping Vin Diesel, who was Riddick, SPOILER escape from a bus that I think was taking him to prison. Pretty Boy, Preggers, and Riddick join up with Beard Man to pull a Jessie James and steal some cars from a train. While it’s moving. I don’t even – just go see it. You’ll be all, “WHAAAAT!” and leak brain fluids all over the person in front of you.
Some more stuff happens, and eventually this cool Ocean’s Eleven-type plot starts to develop due to plot development, and Pretty Boy, Preggers, and Riddick, but not Beard Man because at this point he’s a DICK, meet up with Ludacris, Tyrese, Two Funny Maybe Jamaican – no wait, Puerto Rican Foreigners, Hot Girl #2, someone else I’m forgetting, and the Asian. Meanwhile, The Rock and Hot Girl #3, who looks so much like Hot Girl #2 that it confused me greatly, try to foil their Ocean’s Eleven robbery scheme because, DUH, that’s not cool to steal money from Brazilians like that, even if the Brazilian is a turbo-asshole.
Even more stuff happens and Riddick and The Rock FIGHT A LOT and there are EXPLOSIONS and Hot Girl #2 gets her ass touched.
So far this review is going awesome.
The rest of the storyline is irrelevant because you’ll be so turned on by fast cars and precision driving that you won’t even realize you’re groping the person next to you because their groin is the closest thing to a manual shifter in the vicinity.
This movie is really fun and not a piece of shit. Go see this instead of Pirates 4. Riddick and Pretty Boy are cooler than Drunk Slurring Has-Been Protagonist anyway.
20 comments on “MOVIE REVIEW: Fast Five Is Awesome, And If You Disagree, You Are Wrong.”
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This just might be one of the greatest film reviews I think I’ve ever seen.
I try.
..Oh wait, no I don’t. I specifically do NOT try.
You secretly love “thirteen-year-old boys with adolescent Ferrari-boners” don’t you! Except you have a fast five boner and possibly tourettes… SHIT
I must see it! PURELY FROM THIS REVIEW ALONE! (also because, being a man, it is my genetic imperative to see it)
I think someone laced your drink with testosterone, Lisa.
Her drink was laced with children’s tears
I could swear that Riddick looks way too tall in this movie, I remember him being a lot shorter!!
I nominate this as the definitive Fast Five review. First one I’ve seen that pretty much sums up how awesome this movie is. Which is totally awesome!
Spoiler: (epic) Beard Man in the movie = AMBER LAMPS EVERYWHERE! BTW don’t read this unless you want the movie spoiled
The spoiling has to take place in order to convey the sheer amount of awesome bursting forth from this film.
You’re too funny Lisa. :)
I wish MY boner looked like a ferrari. Maybe then women would actually be interested in it.
THE FUCK just happened? i was gonna see it anyway, but you just lit wordfires under my ass. ‘Cept i gotta be on a plane tomorrow… maybe with MuthaFuckin’ snakes. i sure hope so.
Best. Review. Ever! lol
Love it! :)
So much better then MovieBob
uhu, uhu, …, wait whaaat?
I completely agree with the first alinea,
not so much with the rest
I haven’t seen the movie, but I expect it to be just like the others,
I’ve seen the first one and part of the 2nd and completely hated them.
I mean, I like action, but I don’t give a flying rat’s ass about cars, and so those movies were boring (and annoying) as hell.
Or are you telling me this one actually has a story ?
Yeah I didn’t actually completely read your review as I was afraid it would spoil stuff, which makes no sense as I don’t want to see this movie,
but then again, I just don’t make any sense.
This and likely the immediate sequel are Action Movies not Racing Movies. That way they can have some ‘cherry rides, dawg’ but not have to shoehorn a race in too hard.
Now there are some race bits and plenty of cars, but the Action Movie plot is the point. Not the ferrari-boners.
hm, maybe I’ll watch it then,
on tv or some other (free) way ofcourse
(I’m not gonna pay for it)
Hmm it seems like your website ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to the whole thing. Do you have any tips and hints for novice blog writers? I’d really appreciate it.
Like the new site, terrific stuff so far. As for, “Riddick” and company; any movie star who runs an AD&D campaign as standard practice during production gets the Surprised Cookie Monster .gif of approval.