I have never seen a Fast & Furious movie because, unlike video games, I don’t give two and a half thousand f*cks about films intended for thirteen-year-old boys with adolescent Ferrari-boners. This probably makes me the least qualified person to write a review about Fast Five, along with the fact that I don’t like reviewing movies and I still have no idea what any of the characters names were.
But that doesn’t matter because this movie was SO AWESOME PLEASE GO SEE IT.
Aside from a few lines of cheesy dialogue, I really have no problems with this movie. I’m sure it would have helped to know some sort of backstory, but meh. Who has time for researching things before writing about them on the Internet?
The movie begins with the former cop (?) guy, we’ll call him Pretty Boy, and his SPOILER pregnant wife/girlfriend/”roommate,” we’ll call her Preggers, helping Vin Diesel, who was Riddick, SPOILER escape from a bus that I think was taking him to prison. Pretty Boy, Preggers, and Riddick join up with Beard Man to pull a Jessie James and steal some cars from a train. While it’s moving. I don’t even – just go see it. You’ll be all, “WHAAAAT!” and leak brain fluids all over the person in front of you.
Some more stuff happens, and eventually this cool Ocean’s Eleven-type plot starts to develop due to plot development, and Pretty Boy, Preggers, and Riddick, but not Beard Man because at this point he’s a DICK, meet up with Ludacris, Tyrese, Two Funny Maybe Jamaican – no wait, Puerto Rican Foreigners, Hot Girl #2, someone else I’m forgetting, and the Asian. Meanwhile, The Rock and Hot Girl #3, who looks so much like Hot Girl #2 that it confused me greatly, try to foil their Ocean’s Eleven robbery scheme because, DUH, that’s not cool to steal money from Brazilians like that, even if the Brazilian is a turbo-asshole.
Even more stuff happens and Riddick and The Rock FIGHT A LOT and there are EXPLOSIONS and Hot Girl #2 gets her ass touched.
So far this review is going awesome.
The rest of the storyline is irrelevant because you’ll be so turned on by fast cars and precision driving that you won’t even realize you’re groping the person next to you because their groin is the closest thing to a manual shifter in the vicinity.
This movie is really fun and not a piece of shit. Go see this instead of Pirates 4. Riddick and Pretty Boy are cooler than Drunk Slurring Has-Been Protagonist anyway.